The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
