I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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