i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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