a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
