Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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