Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize