I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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