He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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