if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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