She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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