The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
