I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
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