You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Couch. On fire.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
