I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
