I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
