I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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