Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
i drank out of a bidet.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
