I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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