just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Randomize
