life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
