I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
