Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
