I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
