A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
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