Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
i will never coherently bang her
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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