All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
