It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Ladies don't puke and tell
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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