I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
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