sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
