Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
