This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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