Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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