I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
