If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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