I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize