I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
