Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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