I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
