just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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