Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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