I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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