Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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