you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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