My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
