Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
