Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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