good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
