Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
