i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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