is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
