Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
