the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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