Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
May the power of my ass compel you!!
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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