I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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