The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
