dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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