if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
