at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
